


Sticky

by BlackthorneGreen



Category: Bottom (UK)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Awkward Boners, Bad Dirty Talk, Bad Flirting, Bad Puns, Banter, Begging, Blow Jobs, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack Treated Seriously, Dialogue-Only, First Time, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Overstimulation, Pet Names, Post-Canon, Post-Live Show, Puns & Word Play, References to Canon, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:14:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26952718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackthorneGreen/pseuds/BlackthorneGreen
Summary: After being framed by Ethel Cardew on the night of the superglue incident, Eddie, by completely legal means, has obtained a copy of the film that she recorded and gave to all the women at the pub. When an attempt to blackmail Richie with the recording goes south, resulting in a very thorough questioning, things get a bit squidgy. Featuring unconventional uses of lard, an escaped pube and a wide array of generally sticky events. Sick bags not included.
Relationships: Edward "Eddie" Elizabeth Hitler/Richard "Richie" Richard
Comments: 8
Kudos: 8





	Sticky

"Hey, Richie?"

"Yes?"

"You know Ethel Cardew?"

"Oh no. Not this again. Guess you're going to taunt me about how you shagged her, yet again? God Eddie, I've heard it all before. You need to get some new blackmail material."

"And that's precisely what I was getting to! Do you remember the night of the superglue incident?"

"No."

"Yes you do! You were chained up, gagged, and wearing the tiniest little thong I've ever seen. Honestly, I don't know how you could-"

"Get on with it!"

"Okay, well, it turns out that she recorded it and gave a copy to all the birds at the pub that night."

"Oh no, Eddie, she didn't! That explains why we were getting all those funny looks!"

"Ha, I knew you remembered! Oh yes she did, and I managed to snag a copy of the film."

"How?"

"Let's just say an old friend, actually a friend of my nephew's, procured it for me."

"Eddie, you degenerate! Why did you get your nephew involved!"

"I didn't. And I don't think he'd care either way. I mean, we're practically the same person."

"Is this the one with the star spangled forehead?"

"Yeah. That's him."

"And you said you got it from his friend?"

"What can I say, his friend is a pretty cool person. Has contacts that you wouldn't even believe!"

"Oh yes, before I forget. You need to have a word with your nephew about how he treats young Rick. The poor bastard lives in a state of perpetual terror and then he comes crying to me about it. I haven't been able to have a wa- Catch a break, since his parents died! I don't even know how he got our phone number!"

"Obligatory familial connections?"

"No. Not since the restraining order."

"Don't you worry about those two, Richie. I think you'll find that they have their affairs together, if you know what I mean."

"Right, right. That's great… the _film,_ Eddie! What about the film?"

"Well, I gave it a watch through last night, and I will admit, I forgot just how fun it was, feeling you up until you-"

"Okay, alright! Don't remind me."

"-broke free, ripped off my blindfold, and kicked me in the knackers."

"Oh, right. Ha ha. That. Wait. Hang on a minute. You _enjoyed_ that? Eddie, have you gone a little bit funny… you know, a bit _queer?_ "

"Are you trying to tell me that you _didn't_ like it? I broke the crowbar trying to pry that thong off you! Besides, how was I supposed to know you weren't Ethel? I was blindfolded."

"I have a knob!"

"So does she!"

"She's got jugs!"

"So do you!"

"I do not… wait a minute, she has a-"

"Yes, Richie. And judging by the evidence, it's bigger than yours."

"Oh, sod off!"

"Anyway, after I managed to wrangle that gag off you, do you remember what you said?"

"Eddie. No. Shut up."

" _Oh, Eddie, take me!_ Oh, Eddie, this! Oh, Eddie, that! God, it's like you wanted to have it off with me!"

"Why would I ever want to _have it off_ with you?"

"What's wrong with me?"

"You're you."

"Very observant, Richie."

"You're all… wobbly."

"That's not a bad thing!"

"Yeah, but you're wobbly in the wrong places. Don't try and tell me your back should have cleavage because I know better than that."

"Says you. Your arse is so big that it has its own gravitational pull."

"Is that why your hand has found its way there?"

"Why yes. It appears that it has."

"Edward Elizabeth Hitler, remove your hand from my bottom immediately!"

"You know I just can't resist you, Richie."

"You are truly vile, you know. You can't get off with anyone, so now you're taking it out on me!"

"At least I'm not a virgin!"

"I wouldn't be if you hadn't stolen my bird! Well, if Ethel Cardew can really be classified as a bird now that I know what she's packing."

"Richie, the only reason I can't get any is because you cling to me in much the same way that your pants cling to you. Why is it that you even tuck your shirt into them anyway? Do you think it makes your knob look bigger? Because I can assure you with great confidence, it doesn't."

"I do it so that I don't get buggered by deranged sodomites such as yourself!"

"Sounds like wishful thinking on your part, matey."

"How dare you accuse me of-"

"Richie. Don't even try it. Do you remember the Evacuator?"

"Yes and sincerely wish I didn't."

"Bollocks! Don't think I haven't noticed. You've been watching me!"

"No I haven't."

"Your hand was as far down your trousers as it could possibly go. I heard those sounds you were making!"

"Lies."

"You were staring right at me!"

"Aha! That's where you would be wrong! I was looking at that picture of Sue Carpenter. The one of her in the bikini."

"No you weren't! I nicked that from you ages ago! Plus when I turned around you were gazing at me, all slack-jawed and… gooey. That is until you realised what you were doing and ran off to your bedroom. I don't know why you even bother to pretend that you're not-"

"Alright, alright! Enough! I'm leaving!"

"Oh no you don't! What about that dream you had back on the island? Oh yeah. I heard that all right. Heard it loud and clear."

"But that was the _Marigolds!_ "

"Well you certainly weren't complaining until I turned up. You seemed to be quite enjoying yourself, actually!"

"How would you know that? You were off gambling."

"Surveillance monkeys. We put bets on it. I won fifty quid."

"What did you bet?"

"That you are a complete and utter fruitcake."

"Ha, ha. Good joke, Eddie. That's very funny. Now if you don't mind, could you please stop twisting reality to fit your sordid fantasies?"

" _My_ sordid fantasies?"

"Yes. _Your_ sordid fantasies. I'm not one of those... _gays_ you see on telly. I don't go prancing around wearing latex undies. I am a man of _dignity._ "

"What the fuck do you think Marigolds are made of? And don't forget that incident back at the hotel that shall not be named."

"Damn! Well, even if I _was_ just that little bit… _homosexual._ Which I'm not! But if I was, and this is purely speculative-"

"You are talking bollocks again."

"You wish I was talking about my bollocks, you pervert!"

"Richie. Sit down, you're getting overexcited."

"...Eddie?"

"..."

"Eddie?"

"..."

"Eddie! Why won't anybody do it with me?"

"I mean, it's pretty self explanatory, isn't it? Look at yourself! You're a fat, sad old git and you never stop bloody whining! We've had this exact conversation before!"

"But you said- Ow, ow! Okay, that's it. You wanna go?"

"Yes."

"Eddie. Do you want to go?"

"I already said-"

"Go on! Put 'em up! Think you can mess with me? Huh? Well I'll- Ow! Okay, you've made your point!"

"Not yet I haven't."

"Ow! Ow, stop it!"

"No, I don't think I will."

"Eddie, no! Not the frying pan-"

"Yes! The frying pan!"

"Okay, okay! You win, now please let me up."

"I don't think you want me to."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look down."

"Shit!"

"You've got a stiffy!"

"Well, it's understandable isn't it? I mean, all the close physical contact. The wrestling... The groping."

"Uh, Richie?"

"You pinning me against the wall, our faces so close that our noses touch and I can feel your breath on my lips and I could just lean forward and- Oh."

"Oh?"

"I think I need a new pair of pants."

"You what?"

"Ha ha. Oh, Eddie. What _are_ we doing? Let's stop being ridiculous. We can shake and make up, just like we always do."

"Why won't you just admit that you want to-"

"Ha! Very funny, but this is going a little far don't you think? What are you doing with that hand? No, get away from me you maniac! You've gone sex crazy!"

"Okay, Richie. Suit yourself."

"Eddie, no! Get back here! Please don't go!"

"Would you kindly make up your mind?"

"Please stay, and you can put your hand back there, I don't really care."

"You don't care, eh?"

"No, I don't. Actually, you know what? I will tolerate your… _homosexual urges_. Who knows, maybe it will _cure_ you, get it out of your system! Aren't I such a good friend?"

"No. You are full of shit."

"Oh, Eddie. Keep moving your hand like that…"

"You're the one doing the moving, matey."

"Well, that's hardly fair is it? I mean, this is _your_ disease that I'm trying to purge. At least do your part!"

"Right-o."

"Yes, that's good... oh, why didn't we ever do this before?"

"Because you were too much of a prude to go through with it? Wait.I've had an excellent idea."

"Hey! Don't leave me! Where are you going?"

"Over here."

"Aha! Yes that was one of your better ideas. The sofa! Good thinking!"

"I'm fairly certain that we would both put our backs out if we tried it on the floor. We're not as young and sprightly as we used to be."

"Eddie, I don't think you were ever young or sprightly. You popped out of your mum holding a pint and wearing that stupid old hat of yours."

"Those were the days. Now get over here before I change- I mean, _you_ change your mind."

"Demanding today, aren't you? You sly fox. It's alright. I've already committed to helping fix you. That's what friends are for, after all. Now get your hands back on me!"

"Gladly."

"Edward Hitler, do your worst- Oh, Christ, you weigh a ton. Is this really necessary? I think my kidneys have just exploded."

"You just lie back and enjoy yourself, Richie. Now, what way _have_ you done the buttons on your shirt... Oh sod it, we'll worry about that some other time. Trousers!"

"Oh, Eddie! Don't you feel like that's a bit sudden?"

"No. Because if this isn't done now, we may require another crowbar."

"True. No thanks."

"God, how many miles of shirt do you have in here? This is worse than the time I asked a magician for a handkerchief! Have you been practicing the dark arts again?"

"Oh, no. Not after last time. I don't think those dice ever really dislodged themselves."

"Poor Spudgun. He had no idea what he was in for. Maybe it could put an interesting twist on his usual party trick."

"You never did tell me how he got his name."

"Yes, and it 's not something you ever want to hear about, much less witness. Now let's see here..."

"Shit! Eddie, those were my good pants, and now you've shredded them!"

"More like your only pants."

"Well, it _was_ very sexy, so I'll let you away with it this time. Wait. Eddie. Where is my pube?"

"Maybe ripping your underwear off with my teeth wasn't the greatest idea… look! There it is! Making its way to the door!"

"Damn it, Eddie!I had been growing him for 4 whole years, you bastard! He would have been ready to start school next year!"

"It's probably overjoyed. It's no longer attached to _you._ "

"But I treated him well! I combed him! I even _trimmed_ him occasionally!"

"Look on the bright side, Richie. I can now see your knob."

"Oh. Oh god. Eddie, stop staring. The little fellow's shy, you know."

"Don't worry. I'll lure him out in no time."

"Eddie, what are you- Oh, Eddie!"

"What?"

"Hey, I never said you could- Oh! That is wonderful! Where did you learn to do that, you beast?"

"Well, in this case, it's much the same as eating a Tic Tac."

"Keep going! God, who knew your mouth could actually be useful for something?"

"You, apparently. Especially when the gas man comes round."

"Yes, yes! Okay! Get back to it!"

"Stop asking me questions then!"

"Mmmm. Oh, Eddie, yes! Right there! Keep doing that thing with your tongue! Yes! Yes! Oh, fuck, Eddie! _Fuck me! Use me! Abuse me! Make me yours!_ "

"Bloody hell, that was quick."

"What do you expect? It has been fifteen whole seconds. Wait! Hold on! Where are the johnnies? We are going to, you know..."

"No, I do not know."

"You know…"

"No."

" _Have it off._ "

"Ah, yes. What exactly do we need johnnies for?"

"In case you get me pregnant."

"How could I possibly get you pregnant?"

"Well, we're going to do it aren't we? That's how you get pregnant!"

"But you're not a woman."

"What does that matter?"

"Men can't get pregnant!"

"Oh. Ha ha."

" _Ha ha?_ "

"Ha ha… what a good joke I just made! Of course I can't get pregnant, that would be silly."

"Of course it is! Where would the baby come out?"

"My bottom? Eddie, this is stupid. Wait! What if you're… _unclean?_ "

"Me? Unclean? You're the one who hasn't changed your underwear for 3 weeks!"

"You know what I mean... _the youthful harlot's curse._ "

"Don't you worry, Rich. I am neither youthful, nor a harlot."

"And what a shame that is. Oh well. Get on with it."

"Right-o, matey!"

"Wait, wait, wait! Do we have lube?"

"No."

"Then what do we have?"

"Lard."

"What, the same lard you had for breakfast two months ago?"

"Yes, and it seems to be growing quite an interesting array of never before seen organisms."

"Well it'll have to do."

"Okay, let me go and get it then. Don't have too much fun without me."

"No promises!"

"I've got a nail gun and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"Who would ever entrust _you_ with a nail gun?"

"Nobody. I nicked it from Mr Harrison's shop."

"Christ, how did you pull that off?"

"Mindless violence and copious amounts of alcohol."

"What did Mr Harrison say?"

"Nothing."

"What?"

"Much like poor old Ethel, He'll not be saying much of anything now."

"Oh, Eddie. No. You didn't."

"I did."

"That's worse than the bloody super glue incident!"

"I told you, I wasn't _entirely_ responsible for that one."

"Eddie, we are going to be evicted!"

"Richie, it's fine. We have literally been trapped on a deserted island and sent to the edges of time and space. They'll write us back here in a jiffy."

"What _are_ you talking about?"

"Look, don't worry about it. We've got more urgent matters to attend to. I have found the lard!"

"Oh, good. What was it that we were even doing again?"

"Hard sex."

"Ah, yes, right. Okay, carry on!"

"Coming, dreamboat!"

"I should hope not, we haven't even- Ow, ow! Jesus, Eddie! You're going to crush me to death!"

"Brace yourself. This might sting a bit."

"Ow! Fuck!"

"I told you to brace yourself!"

"Mmm, hey, that actually feels pretty good. Oh yes, more Eddie, more!"

"Coming right up!"

"Fucking Christ! Too many! What do you think I am, a glove? Your hand is going to pop out of my mouth in a second!"

"That's only two fingers."

"Yes, two fingers too many!"

"Look, if you're not-"

"Oh, oh fuck! Oh, Eddie, do that again!

"What, this?"

"Yes, yes! That! Fuck! Get inside me right now! _Take me, Eddie! Take me!_ "

"There it is."

"Oh, shut it."

"I guess it's official then."

"What is?"

"You're a lard arse."

"Oh, bugger off!"

"No, I think I'll bugger you instead."

"Alright, If you must. Eddie, you're really not doing a very good job buttering me up."

"Exactly. I'm larding you up."

"Eddie. Stop it."

"Stop what? You have a lard on!"

"I wish we had proper lardons. All the bacon we have is green."

"That's just the way you cook it, Richie."

"I guess that is true. But you have to agree, there's nothing else quite like my Friday night fry ups!"

"And thank god for that."

"Right, we're going off topic. Stop making lard jokes and let's _do it!_ "

"Rough or gentle?"

"I don't know. Just stick it in and we'll go from there."

"Alrighty! Clear!"

"Don't do that!"

"Sorry mate, it's a hard habit to break."

"...Well?"

"Well what?"

"Is it in yet?"

"Not exactly. Try pushing a bit, like you're having a poo."

"Oh yes. Very sexy imagery Eddie."

"Just do it."

"I don't see what- Oh god! Ow! Eddie! That fucking hurts!"

"How? You've literally had the neighbour's sofa up your arse!"

"It's not a sensation you exactly get used to… is it?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

"Um, hold on. I think you need to-"

"Need to, what?"

"Need to-"

"What?"

"Need to go a bit deeper! Wait. Let me just… okay. Try now."

"Alrighty, just tell me if-"

"Ah! Oh, that felt good."

"This?"

"Fuck yes! That felt _really_ good!"

"There's a lot more where that came from."

"I should hope so! Oh, harder Eddie, harder!"

"Okay, keep your pants on, Rich."

"Well it's a bit late for that isn't it?"

"You think of me, don't you? You wish I'd do this to you all the time!"

"Ha ha, really. How self absorbed can you- God, of course I do! I fucking love y- it! Fuck me, Eddie!"

"What do you think I'm trying to do?"

"...Oh, Eddie!"

"What?"

"Oh! Eddie!"

"What?"

" _Oooooh! Eddie!_ "

"What!"

"Oh, Eddie! Don't stop!"

"Oh, Richie! Shut up!"

"I am all yours! Please, Eddie! Harder, faster! _Please!_ "

"Well, since you asked so nicely…"

"Eddie, oh fuck! It's too much! I can't take it! Ah! Oh yes! Eddie! Fuck! I'm going to-"

"Going to what?"

"Stop fucking interrupting me! Going to- _Fuck!_ "

"Ah, That..."

"Eddie, you can stop now! This is a bit much!"

"I most certainly will not! It may sound unbelievable to you, but some people can last longer than two minutes!"

"Oh, bloody hell, you are an _animal!_ "

"You know it, baby! I'm a love albatross!"

"No. Not that again."

"You walked right into it."

"It's a miracle that I'm still hard."

"Is it even physically possible for you _not_ to be hard?"

"I'll admit, it can be a bit of a challenge to tell what's going on down there. I'm not exactly a grower."

"You're not exactly a shower either, matey!"

"I'm just going to ignore that. _Oh, fuck_ , that's better than when I do it to myself! Fucking hell, Eddie! _Oh…_ You can squeeze harder than that, I can take it. Oh, fuck. Yes! Oh, Eddie, you have no idea how long I've wanted this."

"I think I may have a rough idea."

"A _rough idea,_ you say? That sounds wonderful."

"There's the obligatory double entendre. So, you do this to yourself, eh? That explains where the sausages have been disappearing to."

"Don't you try and shift the blame onto me! You were eating them straight out of the packet! You didn't even bother to cook them!"

"I was drunk."

"You’re always drunk."

"That is an excellent point."

"No, I _did_ have a particular item that I may or may not have obtained from a very specific catalogue that I conveniently can't remember the name of. That is until it sort of… disintegrated."

"What do you mean _disintegrated?_ "

"I made the unfortunate decision of having a curry before using it. Let's just say the result of that escapade was rather explosive. There was nothing for it except the Clorox East of Java Chernobyl-O Foam."

"Richie. You are going to have to do me a serious favour."

"And what would that be?"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Mmph-!"

"Much better."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Mmmphmmmmphmmm!"

"You're going to have to speak up."

" _Mmmph! Mmmmph! Phmmm!_ "

"Oh, again? That was quick."

"Mmph-! Oh, thank god! Eddie, you almost killed me, you kinky bastard!"

"You were turning a rather interesting shade of purple. And me? _Kinky?_ You can say nothing! You bloody came! And speaking of that… Prepare to receive!"

"Oh, Eddie! Fuck- Ow, ow! My neck! What did you do that for? Oh, hey. That's a new sensation."

"Hah… hah… how do you feel, my dearest?"

"Sticky."

"What's new there?"

"Nothing much, I suppose. You probably should have taken your suit off. Those stains are never going to come out."

"Much like yourself."

"...I don't get it. What do I have to come out of?"

"The cupboard!"

"What cupboard? I'm not in a bloody cupboard! I'm getting shagged by you on the sofa! God, I'd figured you would have noticed!"

"The _cupboard_! The same one Barrymore came out of!"

"I've never met- Oh, _that_ cupboard! Wait, Eddie, no! I'm not gay! Just because I happen to find you really sexy and want you to bend me over every surface in the flat, it doesn't make me _one of them!_ "

"Richie, what is your problem-"

"I'm fucking bent, that's what! And I'm having a pretty hard time coming to terms with it, thank you very much! Oh, what would my father think?"

"You've never even met him."

"Well, I suppose that is true. But the great Oswald Richard wouldn't be caught taking it up the arse!"

"And how would you know?"

"Gut feeling."

"Are you sure that's not just last night's sprouts repeating on you?"

"Actually, yes. I think you might be right for once. God, my bottom feels like a bloody wind tunnel… I think it might be oozing."

"Well, if it bothers you that much…"

"Where are you going? Oh! Eddie that's disgusting! Why would you put your mouth- _Oh!_ Oh yes! Oh, you naughty boy! You sexual deviant!"

"You love it."

"You know it! Don't stop- I said don't stop! God, all I want is for you to _do it_ to me, and _do it_ to me and never stop _doing it to me!_ "

"Let's save it for another day. I could do with a pint."

"Yes, a pint of my-"

"Richie. No."

"God. You're such a _tease._ "

"Well we have the rest of our lives, don't we? We are technically married."

"Yes, but you are also _technically_ my legally adopted son."

"Let's not get bogged down in the details, come here."

"What- Mmmph!"

"Mmmmmmph?"

"Ha… Eddie, don't! You're going to get me feeling all frisky again."

"Richie, when do you not feel frisky? Besides, you need practice with snogging anyway. That felt like you were trying to consume my face."

"...Eddie?"

"Yes?"

"Can we do that again sometime?"

"Of course, darling."

"...Eddie?"

"Hm?"

"Can I see that film?"

"Yes, you can."

"...Eddie?"

"What could you possibly-"

"I love you."

"...I love you too, Richie."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Eddie, I think I've just shit myself."


End file.
